Why Do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People? Understanding Relationship Patterns in Therapy

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationship?”—you’re not alone. Whether it’s emotionally unavailable partners, high-conflict dynamics, or one-sided emotional labor, many people experience a pattern of being drawn to the wrong people, over and over again.

It’s easy to blame bad luck or external circumstances. But therapy invites us to look deeper—to uncover the unconscious patterns that drive our choices and to rewrite the emotional scripts that keep us stuck.

At Menachem Psychotherapy Group, we help individuals understand these patterns with curiosity and compassion—not shame. Because lasting change begins with insight.

Recognizing the Pattern

The first step in breaking unhealthy relationship cycles is identifying that a pattern exists. Some common signs include:

• Repeatedly attracting partners who are emotionally distant or unavailable

• Feeling responsible for fixing or “saving” the other person

• Losing your sense of self in the relationship

• Constantly fearing abandonment or rejection

• Confusing intensity with intimacy

• Staying in relationships that don’t meet your needs

These patterns can be frustrating, especially when you’re trying to do things differently. But they’re not random—they’re rooted in something deeper.

Where These Patterns Come From

Our relationship patterns are often shaped early in life—through our attachment experiences, family dynamics, and learned beliefs about love and self-worth.

Some common roots include:

• Attachment Styles: If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving, you may develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style that shapes your adult relationships.

• Family Roles: Were you the caretaker, the peacemaker, or the invisible child? These roles often carry over into romantic dynamics.

• Unconscious Beliefs: You might believe you’re unworthy of love unless you’re needed or that conflict is a normal part of intimacy.

• Unresolved Trauma: Past emotional wounds can draw us toward familiar pain, even if it’s harmful.

We don’t choose unhealthy relationships on purpose—but we’re often unconsciously drawn to what feels familiar, not necessarily what feels safe.

The Role of Therapy in Breaking the Cycle

Therapy offers a powerful space to slow down, reflect, and rewire relationship habits that no longer serve you. Here’s how:

1. Increase Awareness
   Understanding your patterns is the first step. A therapist can help you explore your past experiences and identify the emotional scripts you’re replaying.

2. Heal Attachment Wounds
   Through a secure therapeutic relationship, you can begin to re-experience trust, emotional safety, and consistent support.

3. Challenge Limiting Beliefs
   Therapy helps uncover the stories you tell yourself about love, worthiness, and what you “deserve”—and supports you in rewriting them.

4. Develop Boundaries and Standards
   Many people repeat unhealthy relationships because they don’t know what healthy ones look like. Therapy helps define what respect, reciprocity, and safety truly mean.

5. Practice New Behaviors
   Whether it’s saying no, expressing needs, or walking away from red flags, therapy gives you the space to practice and prepare.

Redefining “Your Type”

Sometimes people realize that what they’re attracted to isn’t necessarily good for them. Therapy helps disentangle attraction from repetition. You might start to question:

• Why do I feel chemistry with emotionally unavailable people?

• Why does calmness feel boring, while chaos feels exciting?

• Am I attracted to how someone makes me feel—or to how much they need me?

This reflection can feel disorienting at first—but over time, you start to trust that healthy connection can be emotionally fulfilling, not just intense.

The Myth of “Fixing” Others

A common theme for those stuck in these cycles is the desire to fix or rescue their partner. This often stems from a deeper belief that love must be earned or that being needed is the same as being valued.

But healing someone else is not your job.

Therapy can help shift the focus inward—from managing others to caring for yourself. You learn that:

• You’re worthy of love without over-functioning

• Your needs are valid and do not make you “too much”

• Healthy relationships involve mutual effort and accountability

Dating During the Healing Process

As you work through your patterns, you may find that dating looks and feels different. Some changes might include:

• Being more selective about who you let in

• Feeling less compelled to pursue unavailable people

• Recognizing red flags early—and acting on them

• Valuing emotional safety over intensity

• Being able to walk away without abandoning yourself

These are signs of growth, not cynicism. They reflect a deeper alignment with your values and needs.

Self-Compassion Is Key

It’s easy to feel shame when you recognize a pattern you’ve repeated for years. But judgment keeps us stuck—while compassion creates movement.

You didn’t develop these patterns in isolation, and you don’t have to heal them alone.

Therapy isn’t about blame—it’s about building a more authentic, empowered relationship with yourself, so you can build healthier relationships with others.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever asked, “Why do I keep attracting the wrong people?”, the answer isn’t that you’re broken. It’s that you’re repeating what you once learned to survive. And survival strategies don’t always serve us when we’re seeking love, connection, and belonging.

At Menachem Psychotherapy Group, we help individuals unpack these patterns, heal old wounds, and build a new foundation for relationships rooted in clarity, connection, and self-respect.

You deserve a relationship where you can be fully seen, loved, and supported—not just tolerated, needed, or fixed. And the first step toward that is within you.